This little light of mine

As I drifted off to sleep, I felt that there was something stopping me from falling into my blissful slumber. 

For the last three years I have become accustomed to sleeping with a light on. This habit started soon after my dad passed away. I'd be asleep then suddenly wake for some reason or other. So I'd put my lamp on and wake in the morning finding that I'd fallen asleep with it on. Every night this seemed to be the pattern until I'd just leave it on as soon as I got into bed. 

It sounds childish, I'd always fall asleep with my light on as a hold, but mum or dad would turn it out when they came up to bed. Now I guess this habit is security.  It's funny though, I wake up roughly about 4am and turn the lamp off. 

The other night  was finding it a bit difficult to get to sleep. The light from the lamp felt too bright, but I didn't want to turn it off. I pulled my covers over my head, but I could still see the light. I needed the room darker. My solution was to place my head under my pillows, though I felt I could have gone to sleep without the light but I then started thinking about what would happen. 

I went through a period of being able to fall asleep without my light, but during that time I suffered with sleep paralysis. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it a condition where you lose the ability to move or speak. It occurs when you are in the stages of waking up or falling asleep. Your body I briefly paralysed. 

It's probably the scariest thing I've experienced. The times it occur I'd be having a bad dream and I would try to wake myself up but couldn't.

One night my dream was so vivid! I was being attacked and I was trying so hard to scream for help but no sound was coming out, my mouth wouldn't move, I couldn't move. I could feel a weight on top of my hold me down. Though I was sleeping I was awake I could see everything happening so clearly. I was fighting with my mind to get my body to move to wake me up. When I did wake I'd find myself mid action,finally finding my voice and afraid of going back to sleep. 

There are some reports and paintings throughout history relating sleep paralysis  to demons and supernatural. 

At one point i purchased a baby nightlight, but found that quite eery. 

 I found out that I'm not the only one who has found reassurance leaving a light on after the passing of a family member. 

If this is the case, maybe I have finally learnt to accept they are gone as with recent nights I have felt comfortable and felt I could turn the light off. 

 If it is supernatural, maybe it was their presence keeping me awake?  They were watching over me. 

(For safely reasons do not sleep with candles on. This is of publishing purpose only)